We lesbians are NOTORIOUS for getting attached immediately.  As the infamous saying goes, “first date sex, second date U-Haul.”  Unfortunately there is a whole grey area for stage-5 Clingers,  a term that’s used best to describe someone who gets attached too soon or in a someone creepy fashion.  It is immensely important to be on the look out for such, and there are some important warnings signs of which you should be aware when spotting a stage 5′er. 

Immediate jealousy. You have friends, and you’re going to want to hang out with them. But as soon as you start dating The Girl, she freaks out whenever you mention hanging out with your friends without her. Or you take her with you to hang with your friends, and she ends up crying in the corner because “yo-yo-you’re not paying enough attention to me!” It doesn’t matter that you’ve known so-and-so for fifteen years; clearly you want to sleep with them instead of The Girl. Give me a fucking break.

Blowing up your phone. You’ve been away from her for fifteen minutes, and your phone beeps. “I miss you already.” “What are you doing?” When you go out with friends, you get the standard, “Who are you with? What are you doing? How late will you be out?” She expects you to text her every few minutes when you’re not together, and manages to twist your responses into something much more sinister than they actually are. “OMG, why are you there with HER?” And so forth.

Her sole focus is you. Strangely, since you’ve been dating, you’ve never met any of her friends, she’s always free when you want to hang out, and she doesn’t want to talk about anything but you and “us.” She doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, any extracurricular activities … anything, really. She works a 9-to-5 job, and you can always predict a phone call at 5:01.

You have sex with her and she cries … every time. It’s extraordinarily hot when someone to whom you’re making love – not just sleeping with – cries on occasion when she has an orgasm with you. But when someone cries the first time you have sex with her … that’s another story entirely. And then it happens again. And again. That’s when things get weird. Sometimes, it’s just about the sex; you both have a craving, so you get down to business. It’s not always candles and soft music and mood lighting. Regardless of the setting, she always announces that it’s “the most beautiful orgasm I’ve ever had!” or “Nobody has ever touched me the way you do!”

She gets mad about practically everything.  You spend too much time at work – clearly you’re having an affair. You want to hang with your friends – clearly you’re bored with her. You take up a new hobby – um, again, the affair thing. No matter what you do, whenever you’re not around her, you’re doing something wrong. And she will take these insecurities she has out on you.

The most important thing you need to keep in mind with a stage-5 clinger is that they cry about everything. It’s not a case of them actually being upset; it’s more that lesbians tend to feel bad about tears, and therefore do whatever they can to make the tearful girl stop crying. It’s a ploy, people. It keeps you stuck in a spot in which, in the long run, you don’t want to find yourself.

Have you had any experiences with a stage-5 clinger?