Don’t Eat The Daisies (A Fat Girl and Her New Food Allergies)
I’m pretty sure if NASA was using gluten-free bread on the Columbia Shuttle’s hull, the horrible explosion that cost seven lives never would have happened. This shit is seriously heat resistant. Why aren’t we making firehouse equipment out of this stuff? I stick a couple of slices of it in the toaster on HIGH for the FULL duration and it comes out the same color, just slightly warm. Anyone who has experienced the joy of owning a cheap fire-hazard toaster knows that any mortal bread would be an unrecognizable square of cinders.
The gluten-free bread is a recent addition to my life, along with the laundry list of things I can no longer eat, which I will share with you now: *deep breath*
Sugar
Barley malt (beer)
maple syrup
ketchup
salad dressings
soymilk
ALL GRAINS such as: wheat, spelt, kamut, oats, rye, barley, millet, bulgur, buckwheat, amaranth, quinoa, and teff.*
Crackers
cakes
cookies
bread
pasta
flours
cereals
rolls
potatoes (white or sweet)
yams
parsnips
chikpeas
soybeans
carrageenan
tofu
tempeh
ALL SOY.
*I don’t really know what half of these grains are, and I’m glad of it. It’s fifty less things to miss. I don’t think I’ve ever woken up in the morning and said “Gee, I’d really like some teff today…”, Nor have I ever been asked, “How ’bout a nice bowl of teff?”
Why all of the dietary restrictions, you ask? WELL..I went to Israel two months ago and developed a big, fat infection on my right leg. I suffered from mild edema and had to take a METRIC FUCKTON of antibiotics. The meds saved my leg, but in turn destroyed all of the good bacteria in my guts and caused all kinds of belly gremlins. End result: I have been diagnosed with Celiacs, which is an intolerance to gluten (found in flour), and on top of that I am deathly allergic to soy, which Summer can attest to, as she’s the poor bastard who got stuck cleaning my puke off of the ceiling the last time we had tofu wings.
This leaves me with the question: What CAN I eat now? The answer: not much.
Tons of things have gluten in them and we don’t even realize we’re eating it. Almost every processed food out there uses it as a thickener. I have my eyes very wide open and now I’m super-aware of what I eat. I’d rather not slip up and spend my evening curled in the fetal position or making deals with god in the can that if he just makes my guts stop ka-sploding, I will never, ever eat anything ever again.
The other edge of this sword for me is that things which proudly display the “Gluten Free” seal of approval usually have soy or some sort of soy derivative inside that will make me yak kittens for hours. Under the doctors orders, I went out and grabbed almond milk to put in my gluten-free cereal (really quite delicious by Bakery on Main – Wegmans) only to find tht it contains soy lecithin. FUCK. Fortunately, real milk doesn’t do much to me besides give me really awesome breath, so I poured myself a bowl and stared hatefully at the box of almond trickery while I crunched my sorghum-based flakes.
This is my life lately. I just wanted to say if anyone else is going through this life-altering change, hit me up. We’ll talk about options and alternatives. I have a ton to learn.
Hey <3 I know what you are going through, though mine is by choice. It wasn't a decision my body made for me. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder, but I totally feel you. Fortunately for me, I am not allergic to either soy or gluten, because pretty much every vegan option has one of the two, or both. Check out http://www.thegreenists.com and search for gluten free. The original author (Allie) has a gluten allergy (not as severe as you) but she reviews a lot of products. You also might be interested in reading "The Diet Cure" by Julia Ross. She talks about how many people have undiagnosed allergies that lead them to overeat those particular things they are allergic to because they become addicted to the endorphin rush caused by the allergy. She is not a fan of gluten, for anyone.
This will make you look harder at what you are putting in your body, but that is not a bad thing. I feel like I've spent the last twenty years reading labels and it's made me a smarter consumer and a healthier eater.
No lies about the veggie wings. We learned that one the hard way. Also, potatoes=DEATH. I think you’ll find that your palate will adapt to the new spectrum of tastes you must hang with now. You’re determined. You’ll kick gluten ass.