This Sunday, the gays will return home to Asbury Park for Jersey Pride. It’s an excuse to see everyone you have ever dated, wanted to date, fucked, wanted to fuck, and the rest of your friends. There is drama, booze, tan-turn-sunburn lines, bands, vendors selling stickers (we’re queer, we like stickers), sunshine, and more drama.

Last year, my Pride experience was great. I was a newbie to the scene and thus was relatively drama-free. I went with a few close friends from work and we tanned, danced our tushes off, got some sexy sunburns. It was glorious, exactly how I wanted my Pride to be.

But I have a feeling this year might be different. Since last summer there have been hearts broken, nefarious activities with cougars, a failed attempt at reinvention. I’m going to Pride with different-but-better people, and a much happier attitude.

Therefore, I am hereby proposing some guidelines for myself and anyone else in my situation to be used at Pride:

- Do not get sloppy drunk. It’s going to be hot and puking is unattractive, as is being “that girl”. Drink, have some water, drink some more, drink more water. It’s not that hard. Plus, you won’t be as hungover Monday.

-Wear sunscreen. I am white. Very, very white. I like to deny this whiteness and say that my sunburn turns to tan the next day. It doesn’t. Purple-red is not tan. It is just painful, and painful to look at.

-Parents will bring their tiny humans to this lovefest. Do not call them tiny humans in from of their moms and dads. Their dads will most likely slap you, and their moms will yell at you. And their spawn? They will bite you. It will not be fun.

-Bumper stickers are for you car. Not your midriff.

-The ex (and her friends) will be there. Do not engage. They are an ex for a reason.

-There is nothing wrong with making the aforementioned ex jealous. There is something wrong with having sex in front of her, though. Save it for the bar & your hotel room later, hon.

-Stick with your friends. No lady left behind! It’s super easy for the single one you came with to wander off in search of a Pride hook-up, and that’s all well and good. Just make sure she goes home in your car at the end of the night.

-Smile and laugh and IGNORE the drama. We’re better than that, ladies.

Happy Pride everyone! Play nice!