I Had No Pride, Woman
2008 marked my first Jersey Pride being single. I had contemplated not going at all for fear of running into my current ex who had recently broken things off with me a few weeks before. To those who knew me during this time, it took massive amounts of strength for me to function daily. I had numerous friends call and try to persuade me to come join the festivities. “Don’t be alone on Pride, come hang out with us. It’ll do you good to get out of the house. You have to move on with your life.” I thought, fuck it, I’m going to go and try to enjoy myself. Due to my breakup, I had lost at least 25 pounds within a few weeks, so I was somewhat excited to fit into my old jeans. I wore the typical Jersey lesbian attire, which consisted of a bikini top, low ride jeans, flippies and a hat. I made my way down and met up with a few people who I hadn’t seen in a while. Of course the first thing out of most people’s mouths was, “Where’s your girlfriend?” Ugh, really?? I was hoping if I told one person it would just trickle through the remaining lesbians who were there so no one would ask me again. You know how news travels fast in this community. I think my plan backfired because instead of people asking where she was, I got, “Oh my god, I’m sorry to hear what happened.” I’m not sure which is worse but in any event, my attempts to avoid thoughts or conversations concerning her were fading. I found my friend Nearz and her girlfriend at the time and joined them for a couple drinks. Oh, I forgot to mention that I had recently hooked up with two girls since my breakup and one was the night before. Yeah, they were there.
As the day went on, I was sure I was safe from seeing my ex until I saw one of her best friends standing by the bathrooms. She motioned me over, gave me the biggest hug and said, “I’m so sorry, she made a big mistake. How are you holding up? You know she’s coming.” My heart stopped, my body froze and I forgot how to breathe. I grabbed her beer and downed it in less than five seconds. Like an asshole, I grabbed my phone and texted her to which she never replied. My friend Jamie and I decided to take our cocktails on the beach and run amok. During this time, I thought it was a good idea to call my boss, drunk, and ask him if I could come in late the next day. Smart, Ginger, real smart. I was on the beach for about an hour drinking myself into a sloppy coma when I decided I wanted to try and stumble my way down to Paradise. I left Jamie and met up with some of my other friends. It took us 20 minutes to walk four blocks to the club because that’s how trashed we were. When I got to the club I ordered my usual Merlot and a shot because I knew this night was going to be a shit show. I drank and danced my little heart out and tried to forget about everything. I ended up meeting this totally hot cougar and we continued our drunken escapade and decided to change clubs again.
By this point I am so far from sensible it’s ridiculous. If you lit a match around me, I would have gone up in flames. I smelled like 190 proof. My cougar and I walked hand-in-hand to the next club where I saw another one of my friends outside. “She’s inside, just letting you know.” FUCKING GREAT!!! Last thing I need right now is to see her. I quickly ran outside to the back tiki bar to collect myself. I thought this shit only happened in the movies. I look up and she’s sitting right in front of me with the girl I had eventually found out she was cheating on me with. She quickly got up with her trick and left. Like a typical emotional lesbian, I chased her outside crying screaming, “I love you, I love you, don’t do this,” to which she replied, “I don’t fucking love you anymore!” My last vision of her was her holding this girl’s hand, walking to her car. I ran inside to the bathroom and lost it. When I say lost it I mean to the point where I was on the floor. Unbeknownst to me, Ingrid had walked in to see this hysterical girl on the floor in tears. She had no idea it was me until we reconnected and I told her this story.
I still have no idea how I got home that night and I have no idea how I survived any of that. I could literally feel pieces of my heart breaking off when I saw her and I can feel, even now, writing this, that indescribable pain.